Why seeing your partner get hit on might make you love them less

Research led by Gurit E. Birnbaum, Reichman University

HERZLIYA, Israel — Imagine you’re out at a bar with your significant other when an attractive stranger starts flirting with them. How would you react? While you might expect to feel a surge of jealousy or desire for your partner, new research suggests the opposite may occur — you could actually find yourself feeling less attracted to your partner and less invested in your relationship.

A new study published in The Journal of Sex Research explores how people respond when their romantic partners receive unwanted flirtatious attention from others. The researchers, led by Gurit E. Birnbaum of Reichman University in Israel, found that witnessing a partner being hit on tends to trigger a self-protective response that manifests as decreased sexual desire and relationship investment.

This counterintuitive finding challenges assumptions about how witnessing others express interest in one’s partner impacts attraction and commitment. Previous research has shown that potential mates often become more appealing when they receive attention from others during the early stages of dating. Now it appears that the dynamics shift once a committed relationship is established.

“While some people might attempt to make their partner jealous by attracting attention from others, hoping to feel more desirable or secure, research indicates that this tactic can backfire,” says Birnbaum, a professor at the university’s Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology, in a statement. “Rather than strengthening the relationship, it may undermine the very bond it seeks to enhance.”

To investigate this phenomenon, the researchers conducted three experiments with Israeli participants who were in monogamous heterosexual relationships of at least four months duration. In the first study, 244 participants imagined a scenario where either someone flirted with their partner or had a neutral interaction. They then described an intimate fantasy about their partner, which was analyzed for expressions of desire and partner-focus.

The second study used virtual reality to create a more immersive experience. 132 participants observed a virtual stranger flirting with an avatar of their real-life partner or having a neutral interaction. Afterwards, they rated their romantic desire, willingness to invest in the relationship, and inclination to deter potential rivals.

In the third and final study, 190 participants recalled an actual incident where someone hit on their partner or a neutral interaction. They then completed measures assessing desire, relationship investment, and mate retention tactics.

Across all three experiments, participants who witnessed or recalled their partner receiving unwanted flirtatious attention reported feeling less intimate desire for their partner compared to those in the neutral conditions. They also expressed less willingness to invest in the relationship and a greater inclination to derogate or threaten potential rivals.

Interestingly, the decrease in sexual desire appeared to drive the reduced relationship investment. Statistical analyses showed that lower desire mediated the association between witnessing flirtation and decreased willingness to invest in the partnership.

These findings suggest that when we see others express romantic interest in our partner, it may trigger fears about potentially losing them or being rejected. This activates a self-protective response aimed at emotionally distancing ourselves from the relationship to minimize potential hurt.

“Our research reveals the circumstances under which external attention directed toward partners can erode relationship well-being instead of fostering relationship promotion,” the study authors explain.

While compliments from others may boost a potential mate’s appeal early on, once we’re in a committed relationship, that same attention takes on a different meaning – signaling a possible threat to the partnership.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should panic every time someone flirts with your significant other at a party. The researchers emphasize that these effects likely vary based on factors like relationship security, self-esteem, and attachment style. Additionally, the laboratory and recall-based methods used can’t fully capture how people would react in real-world scenarios as they unfold.

As we’ve learned, when it comes to matters of the heart, logic often takes a backseat to our subconscious drive for self-preservation. So, if you find yourself feeling oddly detached the next time someone eyes your partner, don’t worry – you’re not cold, you’re just coolly strategic. Who knew that in the game of love, sometimes the winning move is to not play at all? Checkmate, Cupid!